"What is that You really wan't from her" was asked by my sponsor last time we met.

I'm bit scare to deep dive the subject, thus afraid to deep dive fantasy about last relapse and M

Case M

M is prostitute from Prague, visit's Finland every now and then.I have met her few times.At last time visiting her I was as powerless as man can be over this addiction.

Unfortunately ( Luckily says my addiction ) She told when she will be next time in Finland. All that was happening little less than 2 months ago. Since that I have feeling that I'm  passenger at spaceship that's traveling towards to  sun and there is nothing nobody can do to change course of the ship.

Let's get back to present moment; Course of the ship has slight chance so thereis good change that it would not hit in to the sun. But now is the time she's visiting in Finland for a one week.

Current feeling is that I'm no cockpit of my space ship control panel is full of button's some of the button are labelled "Fuck it all" some not but they may have same effect. Spaceship it self can take heat quite well. It's powered by SAA and twelve steps. Protected by love and care I get from brothers from fellowship and people that are close to me.

So What's Big Hassle

It's quite big number hookers that I have visit during my "career". Mostly experience has been bad. It has been obvious that girls do not wan't to do what they are doing, but they have to do it anyway for some reason. Well honestly thinking I don't believe that anybody really wan't sell her/ his body to a stranger.

Addition to sex M mange to touch me also some other level. I have had same kind kind of feeling also with S. I vwas visiting her several times in past, and only reason why stopped back then  was that She do not come to Finland anymore.

So with these few lady, there must be something else than just pure sex.

I try be honest at next chapters and go beyond sex too, handling emotional aspects of my obsession to M.

SEX

Of course I start from sex thus sex addiction this is all about. Well actually as fellow addicts very well know; Sex addiction has very litle to do with the sex itself, strange isn't  it. Anyway in this context it's essential go through some aspects from that area too.

Oral sex given back and forth, that's my thing. It's nothing new and it's not came as a part of progressing addiction. It has been something that I have fantacy allready teen age and kid when I masturbate. That has been part of my sex live in earlier relationships, but not in current one. My fiancee do not like at all to be licked, she seems to feel that it's some how "dirty". Also giving blowjob is something she do not like at all and it's not part at all in our sex life. This may sound that our sex life sucks, but that's not a case ; There is lots of love, intimacy and joy.

But what rocks with M, is that she states her ad that she loves to be licked and 69. And she really do, no doubt about that. This fact drives us next thing really importan to me; I do want that other person will enjoy sex too. Other thing makes a difference was that I was able to get two orgasm. Thus I'm not a teenage anymore that's not common nowdays.

So obviously sex was something for my taste. Unfortunately that will not carries addict very far... Thus all us know when You are addict at the long run nothing is enough You have to get always more and more something new.  Let's continue to other subject, with this one I can't indulge too much....

Pretty Women

I guess everyone knows old movie Pretty Woman; Richard Gere was rich business man and Julia Roberts was street hooker, all about Gere "saves" Julia etc....

With M ( applys well S too ) I run fantasy in my mind  where she likes that stay over night alltough I paid only for hour. How we eat breakfast together, how I'm something more special than thouse other hundreds of guys visiting her. Great fantasy, isn't it ?
Of  course I do know that it is just sweet dreaming that 20 year Younger preatty lady want's to be "saved" by midle age guy that fucks her every now and then, but still You never know ;-)

But what is behind that fantasy, why to run it ? I guess that it's something to heal my feeling of inadequacy. Dreaming that I'm somehow special, I'm able to do something other can't, having more power and wisdom than others.. You name it.
One player is also bad self-esteem that I thing is vital issue what comes to inadequacy.

Damn! She Is Human Being

With M we talk about her life back home. She was showing pictures of her dogs, telling about family, about things she likes to do on her spare time, how she loves Xmas etc. etc. This kind conversation makes her human being, not just hole to fuck. So behind that dissolute ad, there is fragile young lady with "normal" life.
With S was same thing we discuss about her daughter, my boys etc.

When someone comes to live. Not just voice on phone, picture on magazine. There will be some kind of emotional bond that person, You know something about her personal life, something that makes her living human been, not just object. This, I think ends to feeling, that You own something to that person, thus You think that she is Your friend.
But it's not, friends do pay to someone they chat or fuck.

So what's the problem

If she is so great, why to worry ? Why don't just go and joy those moments?

Those are the questions addiction puts to my head, or am I really like her? Maybe so. I personally have quite loose boundaries when it comes to sex. I think It's ok to have sex just because it's fun and people enjoy,  Gay & Bi sex is ok, It's ok to have group sex etc. Basically everything that adult people do together in they free will is ok.
My case the beef is; I do not decide what ever I want to go or not, it's my adiction that decide it.In other words I'm totally powerless over my addiction. Other reason is that cheating is fully against my moral. third reason is money, fourth comes diseases,.... Endless list good reason.

But if get back to cockpit end of this story. I have feeling that we are slightly passing hottest spot of our journey. Still never know if ships course will change and crash to the sun. Now and today direction is correct.
Thank SAA and twelve steps about that.